The Coffee Maker is Not Your Bouncer/Security Guard
Keep it Unplugged!
I like people who tell it like it is. If you are an upfront person, we can hang. I think a lot of drama happens in life because people are not communicating enough.
As you’ve heard many times, communication is key to survival. Would you rather be told there’s a hit man on the loose in your neighborhood, or wait until you were stabbed? Would you rather be told there was a fire in the movie theater, or would you rather find out with the silver screen ablaze, fire exits blocked by a wall of flames?
In 95 percent of cases, more communication is better than less. In 99 percent of cases, some communication is better than none.
So when I am at a party you are hosting, don’t you dare offer me a cup of coffee to suggest that I should be leaving soon. I know you heard that b.s. somewhere like Oprah or the Today Show, but seriously, give it a break. Lighten up and stop trying to be a “nice person”. I can see right through you.
Your tired ass wants to get to bed because you’re some wax job who decided to throw a shindig the night before you have to wake up early. Hey, just because you can’t survive sleeping less than 9 ½ hours doesn’t mean you should expect me to leave your house at 8 o’ friggin’ clock.
I’d have much more respect for you if you told me, “Get the eff out!” At least I’d know you’re comfortable enough with me to tell me what I need to hear ’cause honestly, this beating around the bush crap is for the birds.
Once you offer me that coffee, my initial impulse is to hold back the urge to hurl the coffee into your face. Once I avoid that potential lawsuit, I’m immediately clued in to who you are. You’re someone who says more words in your mind than you do through your mouth.
Mouth: hey “friend”, that’s a nice new car you got there …
Mind: … yeah, nice if your mother picked it out for you.
Seriously, if you’re one of those people, I hope you crap your pants three times as much when you’re a senior citizen.
Speak your mind! It feels better that way. You’ll end up saving a ton on adult diapers.
Watch The Sounds That Come From This Guy’s Mouth
The one character that made the movie Police Academy so memorable was Sgt. Larvell “Motor Mouth” Jones. Played by comedian Michael Winslow – a.k.a. the “Man of 10,000 Sound Effects” – Winslow’s character reminds us that the mouth can be as versatile as the voice itself … and that any combination of the two can do wonders as well — guys, remember that the next time you’re giving your women an “Australian kiss”.
The video you’re about to see is perhaps footage of the next Michael Winslow.
Transgressions Eh? Seven Reasons Why Tiger Woods Has Done Nothing Wrong
Tiger Woods - another man to fall prey to his penis? Not necessarily. The face of golf’s modern era will come away from this debacle bruised and sore – not dead and bloody.
Let’s start with the moral principle.
1. “I’m human and I’m not perfect.”
Public opinion has decided it is a “sin” to cheat on your wife, but public opinion in terms of Woods’ fans would say otherwise.
Looking at his Web site, a good majority of commenters are in support of Woods, and when you’re the most popular athlete in the world, you have a lot of fans. In light of Wood’s “terrible” behavior, I think many of us can identify with what he’s done. We’ve all considered cheating in relationships – many of us have followed through with our urges. The result: we can look at ourselves in the mirror and admit that, we too, are human and imperfect.
Soon we will come to find that Tiger Woods is not the loser in this situation, but rather, the media. As these events blow over, even people who are disgusted by his “transgressions” will cool down and stop being pricks. Eventually, people will turn and scorn the media’s penchant for prying.
2. Any Publicity is Good Publicity
Passive admirers of Woods’ athletic success would conclude his life lacked an edge before these shenanigans. Today? Quite the contrary and I think there are a lot of people out there who are craving drama out of their major public figures. To that I say, “Good work, Tiger!”
Yes, Grannie and little Billy Bob Jr. may feel dejected, but what are they buying? Grannie is buying Depends and Geritol with her pensioner’s check. With the shimmering quarter he found on the sidewalk, Little Billy Bob Jr. is buying bubble-gum from the entrance to the local general store.
And what is big Billy Bob Sr. buying with his hard-earned income? Tag Heuer watches, Nike shoes for his son and dozens of other products from Woods’ sponsors who are in the forefront of his mind because of the free airtime this scandal has provided. I should mention at this point that Bob Sr. is not dejected by Woods’ “transgressions”. This leads me to the Phelps Principle.
3. “The Phelps Principle”
When Olympic medalist Michael Phelps was dealing with some “transgressions” of his own, breakfast-food producer Kellogg Co. pulled their endorsement support for Phelps … and then they lost market share.
There will be many people who would drop their consumer support for Nike and Tag Heuer if they pulled out of endorsing Woods. There are many people who say they will not buy Woods’ sponsor’s products in light of the scandals. Thing is, they’re not angry enough to remember not to buy these products when push comes to shove – turns out these pricks are full of hot air.
4. Bad Marriage = Major Handicap
You’ve heard all the studies of how one’s personal life can affect one’s professional life, academic life, etc. Case-in-point, a bad marriage for Tiger equals some poor performance on the fairway. San Jose Mercury News Sports Columnist, Mark Purdy has said, “Only two things can stop Tiger Woods from breaking Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major championships — a bad back or a bad marriage.”
Woods’ trysts will undoubtedly affect his marriage, either ending it or making it stronger, but once Tiger gets his personal life together and puts the past behind him, he can go back to winning PGA Tours, and that’s good because his golf performance during the 2009 season has been crap.
5. The Public’s Strengthened Vocabulary
One of the most searched terms on Google right now is “Transgression” and “Transgression Definition”. Who knew adultery could be so educational?
6. Some Women Got Off in a Big Way – Allegedly
I’d imagine that fucking the world’s most popular athlete has to stimulate the gash in the same way my shaft would feel if I had a roll in the hay with Megan Fox or Jessica Alba. Also, with all the love Tiger Woods has to give, isn’t it selfish for one woman to have all of Woods’ wood to herself?
Release the hate-comment hounds.
7. If You Have No Sympathy for What Woods is Going Through, Go Fuck Yourself
Here’s my commentary on the official Tiger Woods Web site:
“If you have no sympathy for what Mr. Woods is going through, you have no sympathy for yourself. We all “sin”. Woods may have hurt your inner child with his transgressions, but how about strengthening your inner child and realizing that, like you, he is only human – that’s something we all have in common. If you think you are morally above him, think again – there’s a dark side to every one of us. Take this as an opportunity to look at your dark side and make strides to address your past transgressions.”
Three cheers for infidelity and its ability to bring us together.
The Solution to Ease Christmas Suckiness
Halloween has passed, which means I have to endure Christmas shopping commercials – you know, the ones that add incessant holiday theme music and sound effects. I like these commercials in the same way I like a pair of crow bars slammed against my ribs.
I cringe at hearing bells jingle on TV and radio during the fall months. Too much, too soon. They make me want to vomit in the same way I would vomit if I were dunked in a sewage treatment plant.
Except for one show (Top Gear on BBC America), I don’t watch TV on my own. Any TV I see is the result of someone else’s watching. If I sit down for 10 minutes to see what’s on the telly, I’m guaranteed to see a holiday shopping advert with bells jingling and Christmas carols playing. At this point my face fills with rage, becoming more sanguine than Santa’s jumpsuit as my teeth grind into a wintry powder. This is usually followed by that unshakable urge to vomit.
Don’t ad agencies know the consumer is tired of the same old shit every year? It boggles my mind. It makes me want to rebel.
“Come in for 25 percent savings now through November 16th.” Jingle jingle.
“Tis the season for savings.” Jingle jingle.
“It’s the perfect holiday gift …” Jingle jangle, and more jingle, with a children’s choir in the background.
Hey, cool it with the jingling. I have a calendar. I have two brain cells to rub together. I KNOW WHAT SEASON IT IS.
All these commercials reminding me I should be spending money on people to show them I love them? That really whores out the holiday spirit, doesn’t it?
This year, I’m boycotting the holiday rush. I’m hand-crafting my gifts.
What matters more than anything is the thought – it’s the thought that counts, and when you take the extra time to make something from scratch, it means all the more to your recipient.
Furthermore, folks who opt to make their Christmas gifts will be happy to make them for their friends/family. People who opt to shopping for their holiday gifts will more than likely be pissed off doing it.
For so long, it has always been the same thing each year: with the arrival of the holidays comes the arrival of jingling on the TV and the radio. By this point we’ve been conditioned to respond to these sounds in a Pavlovian way, and that response is usually, “Oh no! I have to go holiday shopping,” followed by the eyebrows becoming drawn together and downward, followed by profanity emanating from the mouth, followed by a nervous breakdown highlighted by a nude appearance at your neighbor’s doorstep, followed by a few months at the mental hospital.
This year I’m changing my Pavlovian response. The next time I hear a company using corny-ass jingling in their ads, I’m going to make a mental note to boycott that company.
It’s time the sound of jingling makes us happy for the beauty of the holiday season because I’m sick and tired of how the last three months of each year make me feel like a tortured mental patient with feces in the lungs.
Resisting Sexual Temptation? I’d Rather Resist Urination
One thing that makes the 21st century such a good time to be alive is that there’s no sanctioned authority telling you to limit your time doing the horizontal mambo.
In this day and age, you can meet someone of the opposite sex (or even the same sex) at a bar, coffee shop, restaurant, whatever … and a few hours later you both can be lie-down dancing. There’s no medieval ruler over your shoulder threatening your castration if you take a possible mate away from him.
Nowadays if a woman wants to enjoy the company of a man, she can very well go out and enjoy the company of a man … or another woman … or a man and a woman … or four men and five women … or even 12 men and 8 women all at once inside a rainbow-colored Mini Cooper – anything goes – no government approval needed.
Nowadays, if a man wants to go out and hit that stick, he can hit that stick. And people don’t really care any which way from Tuesday whether his preference is for the “stick” or the “gash”.
That’s the beauty of the age in which we live … when it comes to sexual things we hold dear, we’re free to do what we please, because we’re human and we have needs.
For most, sexual needs are life’s Energizer battery. Without sex, much of the inspiration we have to move forward through life would be gone.
Why do people strive to be richer? Why do people strive to mob deep in an Escalade as opposed to an Escort? Because it is way more fun to jackhammer away on supple Cadillac leather than on itchy econo-car mouse-fir cloth.
Why do people strive to vacation in the French Riviera as opposed to “Mosquito Swamp” State Park? Because nobody in their right mind wants critters up their crotch … plus nothing kisses the ass better than the Mediterranean Sun.
Sex is such a vital part of human life, not just for its ability to bring new life into the world, but because it brings new life within us. Sex makes us happy.
So when I see people and organizations that try to get people to turn off their sexual urges, I scratch my head in confusion. Sometimes that confusion leads to my wanting to scratch off my scalp in pure anger.
Here we are living in the era of 21st century sexual freedom, and then I see books trying to take us back to the 13th century. I was visiting a friend in Pennsylvania a couple of weeks back and I was quite disturbed by a book I saw on her counter.
There are few things in this world that disturb me, but this book really took the cake – it was entitled, “Every Young Man’s Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series)”.
With sex being such an integral part of the human experience, I cannot imagine there are people out there encouraging the blockage of sexual feelings and thoughts. It’s as bad as someone writing a book discouraging exhalation, with a bonus section on how to avoid urination.
I just don’t understand how keeping the mind “pure” makes anyone happier. If anything, it would cause psychological damage just like plugging the penis tip during ejaculation causes urinary tract damage. Isn’t it possible that a book like this could cause a level of angst that would make men dangerous to women? There’s also an “Every Woman Series”. I worry that series could cause more young women to get pregnant.
There are not many things in this world that make me red hot, but when you tell the ice cube it’s not allowed to exist in a solid state, you’re just wasting your breath.
Books that say masturbation and sexual thoughts will send you straight to hell are creating an unnecessary a fear in young men and women. When I see people suffering it kills me, especially when the suffering is manufactured from the fundamentalist views of 13th century-minded authors.
I further question these books’ effectiveness when I read their customer reviews. One Amazon.com customer commenting on Every Young man’s Battle reported the book delves into gritty details of sexual discovery. While that’s enough for me to want to buy a copy and make the pages stick together, I feel sorry for the innocent minds to which this book is targeted. Imagine the look on poor little Bobby’s face when he finds out “doggy style” has nothing to do with Scooby Doo. I’m not saying that’s what’s in the book, but it is a gritty sexual detail.
What it all boils down to is another instance where the peddling of family values backfires in the face of those who are so hell-bent on forcing their beliefs on others. To all you pushy, overbearing, hypocritical bastards: I dedicate my next hard-on to you, and I spooge in your general direction.
Manuel Carrillo III
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