My Christmas Wish List
Life Must Be Treated Like a Monet Painting - Not Toilet Paper
Here’s a quote from yours truly: “The term ‘American Dream’ is so ‘20th century’. The way things are going in this country, we’re in the 23rd century.”
The United States is the modern Roman Empire, but we aren’t about to fall. We will continue to thrive, but the days of people immigrating here for a better life are over.
As for me, I’m leaving this country the day after Christmas. I’ll be landing upon Sydney, Australia on the 28th of December.
I have effectively given up on America. What I want for Christmas is something America cannot give me, and that’s a job. Yes, I may be currently employed as a tutor, but I care not to increase my hours, for making it full-time is not in my best interest.
There’s plenty of work in Australia – they have not been affected by the Great Recession. I have my one-year working visa and I plan to obtain employment down under within my first three weeks in the country. I’ve always fancied living out one of those stories where someone comes to a country with little money in his pocket and ends up becoming someone important and established.
As a writer, I need to expand my horizons through life experiences. How am I to be fascinating to readers if I haven’t traveled the world? I’ve only been to Europe so far – there’s much more life to be lived. There’s much more land to be traveled.
I tell people what I’m doing and their eyelids dilate like a vaginal canal upon childbirth. The first thing that comes out of their mouth is, “Oh, I could never do what you’re doing.”
The sad truth, though, is that they can. They just let their minds multiply their adversity to discovery and living life. Life is to be lived in the same way bubble wrap is to be popped. When you just exist you make a mockery out of the brilliance of life’s potential. This is the same as using a Monet painting to wipe your ass.
So that is why I am fleeing this country. I may not make it in Australia. I may return to the states in three weeks. Who knows. At least I tried. At least I got a vacation out of it.
Is what I’m doing stupid? I’d love to prove you wrong. Is what I’m doing crazy? I would hope so.
The Coffee Maker is Not Your Bouncer/Security Guard
Keep it Unplugged!
I like people who tell it like it is. If you are an upfront person, we can hang. I think a lot of drama happens in life because people are not communicating enough.
As you’ve heard many times, communication is key to survival. Would you rather be told there’s a hit man on the loose in your neighborhood, or wait until you were stabbed? Would you rather be told there was a fire in the movie theater, or would you rather find out with the silver screen ablaze, fire exits blocked by a wall of flames?
In 95 percent of cases, more communication is better than less. In 99 percent of cases, some communication is better than none.
So when I am at a party you are hosting, don’t you dare offer me a cup of coffee to suggest that I should be leaving soon. I know you heard that b.s. somewhere like Oprah or the Today Show, but seriously, give it a break. Lighten up and stop trying to be a “nice person”. I can see right through you.
Your tired ass wants to get to bed because you’re some wax job who decided to throw a shindig the night before you have to wake up early. Hey, just because you can’t survive sleeping less than 9 ½ hours doesn’t mean you should expect me to leave your house at 8 o’ friggin’ clock.
I’d have much more respect for you if you told me, “Get the eff out!” At least I’d know you’re comfortable enough with me to tell me what I need to hear ’cause honestly, this beating around the bush crap is for the birds.
Once you offer me that coffee, my initial impulse is to hold back the urge to hurl the coffee into your face. Once I avoid that potential lawsuit, I’m immediately clued in to who you are. You’re someone who says more words in your mind than you do through your mouth.
Mouth: hey “friend”, that’s a nice new car you got there …
Mind: … yeah, nice if your mother picked it out for you.
Seriously, if you’re one of those people, I hope you crap your pants three times as much when you’re a senior citizen.
Speak your mind! It feels better that way. You’ll end up saving a ton on adult diapers.
Watch The Sounds That Come From This Guy’s Mouth
The one character that made the movie Police Academy so memorable was Sgt. Larvell “Motor Mouth” Jones. Played by comedian Michael Winslow – a.k.a. the “Man of 10,000 Sound Effects” – Winslow’s character reminds us that the mouth can be as versatile as the voice itself … and that any combination of the two can do wonders as well — guys, remember that the next time you’re giving your women an “Australian kiss”.
The video you’re about to see is perhaps footage of the next Michael Winslow.
Free Golf Carts … What Are You Waiting For? I Said “FREE GOLF CARTS”!
Golf Carts, Golf Carts, Get Your Free Golf Carts
It’s a new day in America. We are living in a country where the government is practically giving out free golf carts. This is amazing.
Now this isn’t the government’s way of honoring Tiger Woods, nor are they planning a national holiday for the troubled golfer.
What we’re dealing with here is a tax credit that allows you to buy a golf cart and then get reimbursed for the purchase price – think of cash for clunkers, but cooler.
So what’s the catch? There really isn’t one. Just buy a street-legal golf cart, and the government will provide you with a tax credit in the range of $4,200 to $5,500. If your golf cart happens to cost less than what you get back from the government, hey, Merry Christmas from the U.S. Government.
Here’s a place where you can start shopping for a golf cart right now: http://www.villagesgolfcartman.com
What are you waiting for? This golf cart stimulus ain’t gonna last forever.
Screw the Lexus LFA, I Want the Supra
Photo copyright ©2009 Damon Lavrinc / Weblogs, Inc.
You’ve heard of diamond-encrusted televisions. You’ve heard of gold-plated refrigerators. You’ve heard of bathtubs dipped in platinum. Are any of these things better because of their blinged-out status? No.
A gold-plated refrigerator is still a refrigerator. If I gold-plated my excrement, it would still be excrement.
When you get down to the nuts and bolts of the matter, it’s just flat-out tasteless.
This is what plagues the Lexus LFA.
It’s a great machine. It can lap the Nürburgring in 7:24. It’s got a great-sounding V10 engine. It’s dynamic, and it’s the automotive equivalent of gold-plated excrement.
I have come to this conclusion via the power of complex mathematical reasoning. If I were born yesterday, I’d be able to guesstimate the LFA’s price at $168,000 just by looking at it. If you told me how it performed, I’d add $25,000 to the total. If I were to hear the sound of the engine – which may be the best sound of any road car today - I’d start feeling generous and I’d add $30,000 to the expected price.
So where does that leave us? $223,000
Lexus LFA MSRP: $380,000
Discrepancy between perceived price and actual MSRP: $157,000
So where did all those Benjamins go? They went into the carbon fiber-reinforced polymer body which saves about 200 lbs. versus an all-aluminum car.
So tell me, are you willing to pay $157,000 to lose 200 lbs? I’m not and I’m certain NBC’s Biggest Loser isn’t either. So while the Lexus LFA is a great car, it’s a great car wrapped in carbon fiber, or the automotive equivalent of gold plating, and for an extra $157,000 … well, if i carry the seven and cross-cancel – yep, that makes the car crap – crap wrapped in “gold”.
I know, everybody wants to be like Audi. Put a halo car in the showrooms to get people to walk in, and they walk out with an A4. Same thing with the Ford GT. Same thing with the Acura NSX. Same thing with the Dodge Viper. All those cars changed their entire car companies and the way people perceived them.
But now the halo car business is becoming too much of a “me too” business; as a result, I think this car will hurt Lexus’s image. The Lexus LFA is a halo car done wrong. Halo cars have to present something new and/or unique to the marketplace. The Acura NSX was the best example – it was the first supercar that was easy to drive. The Dodge Viper – the automotive equivalent of a red thong flossing a tan butt on a summer day north of 100°F. Audi R8 - a true supercar you could drive every day and almost afford. LFA: just another fast car.
You see, halo cars don’t necessarily have to beat all their rivals, but they have to be compelling. I’m sorry, but among Ferrari 599 GTB Fioranos and Mercedes-Benz SLS AMGs … even the much cheaper Nissan GT-Rs, the Lexus LFA is leaving this reviewer cold.
The name LFA originates from “Lexus Future Advance”. It’s a shame because in many ways, this car is retarding Lexus’s future.
They should have made a successor to the Supra (the name alone sounds better than “LFA”) that would have been less expensive than the Nissan GT-R, but better-performing. What they’ve given us is an overpriced Supra with a Lexus badge and radiators in the back. Stinky.
Photos copyright ©2009 Damon Lavrinc / Weblogs, Inc.
I’m Joining the Movement – The Fiesta Movement
Live Photos Copyright ©2009 Sebastian Blanco / Weblogs, Inc.
I am in the process of submitting my application to become a Ford Fiesta Agent. If you haven’t heard of the Fiesta Agent program, it’s Ford’s way of getting the word out about their new ultra-compact car, and my are they doing a great job.
Ford’s already done one round of viral marketing with the new Fiesta to where they have 80,000 hand raisers ready to buy the car the second it comes out. That’s phenomenal in a country where people (comparatively speaking) pay less for gas than the air they breathe.
With the Fiesta Movement Chapter One, Ford Motor Company was able to generate this much viral buzz:
Fiesta Movement agents have traveled more than 1.4 million miles and have generated more than 6 million YouTube views, nearly 740,000 Flickr views and more than 3.7 million Twitter impressions.
That’s a lot of Tweeting, especially when you consider this movement is now immortalized in the Guinness Book of World Records.
A week ago the Fiesta Movement held the largest “tweetup” in the history of mankind with 1,149 attendees. Here’s a definition of a “tweetup” pulled from the Ford press release:
“A tweetup is any gathering of two or more people who know each other through Twitter.”
On the heels of all this buzzing, tweeting, blogging and being viral – sounds like a night in Thailand more than social-networking and hip corporate marketing – Ford has just announced it is looking for new Fiesta agents for its Fiesta Movement Chapter Two.
The Future Number-One Automotive Journalist in North America wants to be a part of something historic and record-breaking, so I am working on my application to become a Fiesta agent. This involves filling out online forms and filming a video, so it should be fun.
I consider it another chapter to add to my story.
Speaking of the 2011 Ford Fiesta, I just saw it at the L.A. Auto Show and it looks brilliant. For instance, the leather quality is on par with luxury cars. It’s like Lincoln made a supermini. Quite frankly I blame a lot of Fords success on its decision to sell off Jaguar.
A few years ago Ford couldn’t make nice cars because they wouldn’t be able to sell Jaguars. Why make a nice Taurus, or a Five Hundred as it was called back then, and cannibalize Jaguar X-Type sales?
Now Ford is in a position to make cars that undercut the luxury competition by 10 to 20-thousand dollars, and there’s a lot of sales and profit to be made in the “undercutting luxury” segment. Hyundai’s been at this strategy for several years now, and look at how successful they are.
This strategy continues for Ford’s most compact car in America. Imagine, this car might not have existed in the U.S. if Ford hadn’t sold Aston Martin because, rather laughably, Aston Martin is getting into the small-car market with the Aston Martin Cygnet.
The Small Car for Rodeo Drive?
Ah, it’s nice to know Ford has some breathing room with the cars they now bring to market, and this is exactly why the Ford Fiesta in the U.S. will be a great set of wheels.
So there you have it, the Fiesta Movement – isn’t it a little ironic this car is called “party”?
Transgressions Eh? Seven Reasons Why Tiger Woods Has Done Nothing Wrong
Tiger Woods - another man to fall prey to his penis? Not necessarily. The face of golf’s modern era will come away from this debacle bruised and sore – not dead and bloody.
Let’s start with the moral principle.
1. “I’m human and I’m not perfect.”
Public opinion has decided it is a “sin” to cheat on your wife, but public opinion in terms of Woods’ fans would say otherwise.
Looking at his Web site, a good majority of commenters are in support of Woods, and when you’re the most popular athlete in the world, you have a lot of fans. In light of Wood’s “terrible” behavior, I think many of us can identify with what he’s done. We’ve all considered cheating in relationships – many of us have followed through with our urges. The result: we can look at ourselves in the mirror and admit that, we too, are human and imperfect.
Soon we will come to find that Tiger Woods is not the loser in this situation, but rather, the media. As these events blow over, even people who are disgusted by his “transgressions” will cool down and stop being pricks. Eventually, people will turn and scorn the media’s penchant for prying.
2. Any Publicity is Good Publicity
Passive admirers of Woods’ athletic success would conclude his life lacked an edge before these shenanigans. Today? Quite the contrary and I think there are a lot of people out there who are craving drama out of their major public figures. To that I say, “Good work, Tiger!”
Yes, Grannie and little Billy Bob Jr. may feel dejected, but what are they buying? Grannie is buying Depends and Geritol with her pensioner’s check. With the shimmering quarter he found on the sidewalk, Little Billy Bob Jr. is buying bubble-gum from the entrance to the local general store.
And what is big Billy Bob Sr. buying with his hard-earned income? Tag Heuer watches, Nike shoes for his son and dozens of other products from Woods’ sponsors who are in the forefront of his mind because of the free airtime this scandal has provided. I should mention at this point that Bob Sr. is not dejected by Woods’ “transgressions”. This leads me to the Phelps Principle.
3. “The Phelps Principle”
When Olympic medalist Michael Phelps was dealing with some “transgressions” of his own, breakfast-food producer Kellogg Co. pulled their endorsement support for Phelps … and then they lost market share.
There will be many people who would drop their consumer support for Nike and Tag Heuer if they pulled out of endorsing Woods. There are many people who say they will not buy Woods’ sponsor’s products in light of the scandals. Thing is, they’re not angry enough to remember not to buy these products when push comes to shove – turns out these pricks are full of hot air.
4. Bad Marriage = Major Handicap
You’ve heard all the studies of how one’s personal life can affect one’s professional life, academic life, etc. Case-in-point, a bad marriage for Tiger equals some poor performance on the fairway. San Jose Mercury News Sports Columnist, Mark Purdy has said, “Only two things can stop Tiger Woods from breaking Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major championships — a bad back or a bad marriage.”
Woods’ trysts will undoubtedly affect his marriage, either ending it or making it stronger, but once Tiger gets his personal life together and puts the past behind him, he can go back to winning PGA Tours, and that’s good because his golf performance during the 2009 season has been crap.
5. The Public’s Strengthened Vocabulary
One of the most searched terms on Google right now is “Transgression” and “Transgression Definition”. Who knew adultery could be so educational?
6. Some Women Got Off in a Big Way – Allegedly
I’d imagine that fucking the world’s most popular athlete has to stimulate the gash in the same way my shaft would feel if I had a roll in the hay with Megan Fox or Jessica Alba. Also, with all the love Tiger Woods has to give, isn’t it selfish for one woman to have all of Woods’ wood to herself?
Release the hate-comment hounds.
7. If You Have No Sympathy for What Woods is Going Through, Go Fuck Yourself
Here’s my commentary on the official Tiger Woods Web site:
“If you have no sympathy for what Mr. Woods is going through, you have no sympathy for yourself. We all “sin”. Woods may have hurt your inner child with his transgressions, but how about strengthening your inner child and realizing that, like you, he is only human – that’s something we all have in common. If you think you are morally above him, think again – there’s a dark side to every one of us. Take this as an opportunity to look at your dark side and make strides to address your past transgressions.”
Three cheers for infidelity and its ability to bring us together.
Manuel Carrillo III
leave a comment